I think this is the end!

Was over at a friends house earlier watching MNF. Decided to check my email. Read this from XXXXX: "hey...

i'm on the edge of a breakdown... can't take murph anymore.. he responded to my email, and i feel worse than ever.

also can't take the unspoken pressure from you. i don't know if you and i will ever be together. i just can't see it. i know you're nice to me, you respect me, etc., but i don't feel anything for you more than friendship. it's like i have to force myself to like you in a romantic way. it's just not happening naturally.

i'm sick and tired of everything. life has become such a constant struggle day in, day out. i should be feeling better, but i don't. i feel more and more like i'm losing my grip.

therefore, i am not going to talk to you or murph or any other guy that has/had any interest in me as a partner.

i'm hurt beyond belief by murph, and i can't take knowing that you're chomping at the bit just waiting for me to succumb to you.

i'm done for now. i'm gonna focus on myself and myself only.

for all intents and purposed, men be damned.

i'll talk to you when i talk to you."

WOW! It hasn't fully sunk in yet. I need time to absorb this.

Another FUCKING update..

Here it is Sunday afternoon at 2:40PM. I just got an email from XXXXX! Not good! Here's what she said:

XXXXX XXXXXX September 27 at 2:32pm

I hate to tell u this but 3 ppl expressed interest ahead of u. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet.

Here was my response:

Brian Hughes September 27 at 2:37pm

FUCK! I thought so. Damned cell service SCREWS me again! Whatever you do I'll deal with. I'm still open for the 17th. :(

Now what the FUCK am I supposed to do? Hopes dashed again. Maybe. She hasn't made her decision YET! There's still time left for her to make a decision. I just hope she chooses ME! Or, maybe she will decide to go with me to the concert the following day. Either way. Or she may decide not to do anything with me. I sure as hell hope not. I miss her so much. I'm sure I'll be updating this as the hours pass by. As always, stay tuned!

I didn't think

I think I'm going to Pittsburgh on October 16th. Silly me. Maybe I am. Here's why I think so. XXXXXX posted on her FB page this post "Road trip" Could that be meant for me? I love road trips! I hope I'm invited. I have missed her so much over the past month. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts. Stay tuned!

2:40 AM Saturday

Here it is 2:40 AM Saturday morning. I feel the need to let a few things out. I was ut earlier this evening hanging out with friends. I get a text message from FB. It says: XXXXX XXXXXX: Anyone want to go see They Might Be Giants with me on October 16th? (send me an email)

I didn't get this message until at least an hour after it was posted by XXXXX. I had no cell service!!! Once I did get this text I immediately responded back "YES". It didn't go through so I responded with an email like she said. "YES! I want to go!!! Here was her response:

"I'm surprised it took you this long."

OMG!!! Was I too late? Did someone respond before I did? I

responded back to her:

"I'll do anything to be there with you!!!"

My last email to her was at 10:44 PM. I haven't hear from her

yet! Keep your fingers crossed for me. I so very much want to

see her again! I'll let you know what happens!

Another therapist appointment.

Yeah, I know. I already have a post entitled that. Who cares. Different day, different appointment. So what happened today? I'm glad I asked! I told her about XXXXX's post on FB about her supposed party. And how that I never got the post. Well, I checked back on my FB page and it was there. I think it was a glitch that I never got it. Anyhow, good session today. We spoke of crossroads and that I'm at one right now. Almost divorced, am in love with someone, have someone that is in love with me, and the fact that I need to make some decisions that will effect the rest of my life. I think that the main person that is influencing my decisions is not ready to make a decision herself. I need to wait until she is ready to make a life changing decision before I make mine. Once her decision is made I can make mine and decide which path to take. My finger is on the turn signal but I'm not ready to make a decision yet. WAITING! That's what my life is based on right now. Waiting!

I don't know.....

I chatted with XXXXX late Saturday night. I don't think she had a party but she may have been taking a break from partying to chat with me. I'm not worrying about it. Or am I? I didn't hear from her at all on Sunday. Today is Monday and I haven't heard from her today either. i know she was online because I got a status update from her FB page. I think she is ignoring me. I'm not going to go into the reasons why I think this because I have in my previous posts. I sent a resume to a TV station in Pittsburgh today. They were advertising for a PT Operations engineer. Will I get the job? Will I even be called for an interview? I seriously doubt it! I would so love to get this job and get the fuck outta here! What if I get the job and XXXXX wants to remain friends and nothing else? Oh fucking well! I'm getting a little impatient waiting for her to get over her ex boyfriend. BUT! I need to wait and wait I WILL! I'm still in love with her after 17 years! Obviously!

UPDATE to my previous post:

I was looking at my FB page and was wondering why all of XXXX's updates showed up except for the one where she asked who is coming over. Coincidence? I wonder. Maybe it wasn't meant for me to see immediately? Kinda makes me wonder if she didn't want me to see it. Why would she do that? Also, I haven't chatted with her since 10:00 last night. Normally we are chatting by now. Or at least she'll send me a message saying HEY! Stay tuned!

New development....

Ok. XXXXX just posted on her FB page this:

XXXXX is geeked for a weekend of Guitar Hero, beer, WVU football, coffee, music, kitties.... Anybody want to come over?

about an hour ago · Comment · Like

XXXXXXXX

You had me until the WVU thing...

57 minutes ago

Brian Hughes

I do!

3 minutes ago · Delete

I'm waiting to see what her response to my post is. Will I be invited? Will she snub me? Will she say it was just a joke? Will people actually come over? We shall see! Stay tuned!! I'm very interested to see how this one works out.

Another therapist appointment.

I had one yesterday. The last one I had we spoke of my seemingly never ending love for XXXXX. She asked how the relationship was progressing. Slowly, I said. Why slowly? XXXXX is still in the process of getting over her last relationship. She is having a hard time getting over him. It's been a month today that she moved out of his house and into her own. XXXXX is making progress though. Her ex texted her the other night and she didn't respond to it. I told her how proud of her I was! During my last therapist appointment I was asked if I planned on getting together with her soon. I had no plans to. She suggested that I either invite her down to see me or find something in her area that we both could do. I was on Facebook earlier this week and found a concert that I would like to go to and asked XXXXX if she would like to go with me. She didn't give me a definite answer yet but asked if she could think about it. No problem, I said. As a matter of fact the date of the concert would be exactly two months since her breakup. Is that going to be enough time for XXXXX to be over her ex? I guess only time will tell. I told my therapist that I had asked XXXXX to go with me to the concert. The therapist said that was a good first step. No real pressure, just a suggestion. I sure hope that she will agree to go with me. I can't wait to see her in person again!!! She still means the world to me! I haven't chatted with XXXXX since about 4:00 yesterday afternoon. We usually chat in the evening after she gets home from work. I missed our chat last night soo much.

XXXXX had her first therapist appointment since moving into her new house. It took her awhile to get an appointment in a new town. I'm glad she is going to a therapist. It just might help her move away emotionally from her ex a little quicker and maybe, just maybe I will have a better chance. I sure hope her therapist can help her out! Hopefully she will chat with me tonight and tell me how her appointment went. I'm going to finish up this post and and wait for XXXXX to come online so we can chat! Stay tuned!

I have no followers!

Except for myself! I'm interested in what I have to say!!! Someone will find my blog one day and follow what I have to say. Until that day, Hi Brian! Glad you decided to follow me/you/us!!!

Therapist again!

Today I showed her, the therapist, the letter that I sent to my love. Maybe you've read it? If not, you should! Her comment was that it was well written and was from very deep in my heart. It showed a lot of emotion that was building up for many years and finally got released. Basically she liked it! I also showed her my love's reaction. Did I show that one to you? Here it is:

XXXXX XXXXXX April 1 at 2:48pm

Hey,

I just logged on and saw your message. Wow. I don't know what to say. I need a few days to digest this. I know there's an attraction, but I didn't know it ran this deep.

My life is a big mess right now, but I'll be thinking about everything you said.

If I'm not in touch for a little bit, I'm not mad.... I just need to step back and let that all sink in.

Good luck with the job hunting!

Brian Hughes April 1 at 3:03pm

Yeah, it's deep. Very emotionally deep for me. Attraction? Yeah, it's deep.

Glad you're not mad. I'm such an emotional wreck right about now but I'm glad I've let it all out in the open.

Take your time! I'll still be around.

Thanks very much. I did my phone interview with Fox earlier today. They're supposed to call me back in about two weeks.

Brian

Deep? Oh yeah. It still is deep. Actually more deep now than it ever has been. One of our last chats my love told me that she is still not over her ex-boyfriend. I've been chatting with her about that fact. It's only been what, three weeks since she moved out of his house? Yeah, she needs more time. I'm a very patient person but after 17 years of waiting how much longer can I wait? Another month? Six months? A year maybe? Am I willing to wait? You bet your life I am! Unless, and this is something that I hope never happens, she may tell me that she doesn't see a future for us as a couple. Could this all be one sided? From some of her emails to me I don't think so. Wanna see some of them? LOL! I bet you do! Maybe in another post. I'll get to that eventually. Meanwhile I need to get another beer and wait for her to get home so we can chat again. Stay tuned!