Back from the therapist.

Well, it's 9:53 and I'm back from my first therapist appointment. It went well. But I'm not convinced that he is who I need to be talking to. I'm going to make an appointment with another therapist tomorrow. Overall it was a good session though. He was a good listener and analyzed and gave suggestions to everything I was concerned about. Boy did I blubber and cry though. It was soooo good to let everything out. I think I cried through almost half of the session. Felt good though! What was talked about you may be wondering? First of all I talked about my failed marriage and how I was feeling about that. How it failed, why it failed. If I was feeling depressed about my marriage ending. (I'm not.) Then we went on to discuss my current relationship. That's when the tears came flowing out like so many years of wondering what could have been between XXXXX and I if I had only pursued her. Then we got on the subject of obsession. Is this an obsession? He didn't think so. People in love, such as myself, do the sort of things that I do. For example; I have pictures of her on my computer that also doubles as my screensaver. My wallpaper is a picture of her. The wallpaper on my iPhone is a picture of her. Nothing out of the ordinary for someone in love. We did discuss how soon it was for me to be wanting a new relationship but that became a non issue when I mentioned that I really hadn't felt real love in quite a few years. It was mentioned that I do need to occupy my time with activities so that she is not constantly on my mind. Which she is! That's all for tonight. Possibly. OK. A little more. I left a message for the therapist that I want. Hopefully she will call me back with an appointment time very soon! I don't mind the one that I have now but I think that a woman's opinion in this matter might be a little more objective and or subjective.

I haven't chatted with XXXXX since I've been home. I checked Yahoo and Facebook and she wasn't on either. At least I don't think she was. She could have been invisible. I'm still not sure if she is intentionally ignoring me or she is just drawing back in hopes that I won't pressure her anymore. Pressure. I have been having a tendency to tell her how I feel about her on a regular basis. She knows damn well how I feel about her. I need to stop reminding her and let her live without the pressure of my love! It's going to be hard to do but I must! XXXXX should be home by now so I'm going to put this blog to rest until I have more to tell you.

More to tell. It's now 2:14 am. Friday. i just finished chatting with XXXXX. Very good chat tonight. Slow, but fulfilling nonetheless. Fulfilling how? Conversation, being in touch, telling stories, talking about our day, just little trivial stuff. Enjoyable. Until her last comment. Here's how our chat ended:

XXXXX

Gonna go to bed

Brian Hughes

ok

i think i'll do the same

sweet dreams

i'll tty tomorrow!

XXXXX

I'll ttyt sometimt

I'll talk to you (too) later sometime? What does that mean to me? I'm not sure. Is she pulling back? She doesn't want to chat? She's only going to chat with me when she wants to? Could this be a sign? OR, like I said earlier maybe she is just distancing herself from me to take a break from any sort of relationship. After all, she did just move out of her boyfriends house. Ending a four year relationship. I'm not going to worry about this now. I need to get some sleep! Sweet dreams to me!

Well, it's been almost a week since I have seen my beloved. Tomorrow it will be a week. What has happened since then? I have sent a few emails to her in regards to how I have been feeling. Here's one: Hey! I've been thinking a lot over the past
few days. As you know I'm going to see a psychiatrist/therapist this
week. I'm doing this because I need someone neutral to talk to and get an
unbiased opinion of the situation I am in. I'm dealing with a dilemma
that I have no idea how to deal with. I have two very different scenarios,
which are conflicting me. One is reality and the other is fantasy.
I'm caught between the two worlds and one is outweighing the other.
Fantasy has got so much of a hold on me that I'm afraid reality is going
to sneak up on me and kick me in the ass so hard and so fast that It's going to
drown me. I have dreams. Dreams of wonderful things. All of these
dreams revolve around and are based upon you. Is what and how I'm feeling
for you natural? I don't know. I know that it feels natural and
it's something that I sincerely and whole-heartedly believe in. But, I need a reality check. I have done all I can do to step back and think about what I'm doing and always come to the conclusion that you are what I need to focus on, and I have been. Maybe a little too much focus. I don't want to not focus on you and have you slip away. Then again I don't want to focus on you too much and push you away. I'm at a crossroad and need some direction from an innocent bystander who knows nothing of our relationship. I hope I'm not scaring you away by sending you this. I'm just letting my inner struggles be known to you. I hope you understand how much you really do mean to me.

I hope to chat with you later today!

Strugglingly yours,

Brian

What has been happening since then? Well, she seems to be ignoring me. How so? She is no longer online as much as she once was. We have migrated to Yahoo chat instead of Facebook. She seems invisible whenever she is chatting with me. She was on Facebook last night and as soon as I logged on she logged off. Coincidence? Maybe. Hopefully. I sent her a card with two giftcards inside. One for iTunes for 15 bucks and another for 25 bucks for Red Lobster. Here was her response: I can't find it now but basically here is what was said. She got my card and the giftcards. She thanked me and told me not to spend any more money on her but to spend it on my lawyer. She is looking for a new therapist since she has moved to a new location. That was about it.

Speaking of ignoring, she was on Facebook earlier and sent me the message I just spoke of. She must be in stealth mode because she "liked" a comment of someones. Does it piss me off? To a point. BUT, maybe she just needs time away from me. Time to think. She's still not over her ex-boyfriend of four years. Maybe she does need some time without me interfering and telling her how much I want her. I do want her. More than I've ever wanted anything else in my life!!!

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I need an unbiased opinion of my love for this woman. I'll keep you posted! That's it for now till I have more to say! Stay tuned!

Why?

First of all, why am I doing this? It's because I need somewhere to put my thoughts. I need to talk to myself. If you read this all the more better.

Let's begin shall we? Here is how this all got started. Back in 1991 or 1992 I met a woman. Not just any ordinary woman but an extraordinary woman. She was a co-worker. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. We went out a few times, drinking and hanging out and the occaisonal roll in the hay, so to say. As we got to know each other better my love for her blossomed. At the time she had a boyfriend and I was hesitant to ask her out again. This was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it to this day. She moved on and I moved on. In 1995 I got married. I started dating this woman based on the fact that she reminded me of my former co-worker in looks. We lost touch for a few years but eventually got in touch through email somewhere around 2004-2005. I flirted with her via email and was eventually found out by my then wife. My wife and I went to counseling and it seemed to help. For a time. Long story. Eventually I was going through a separation and through the internet and Facebook I was able to get back in touch with my former co-worker! Excellent! We chatted a few times and sent emails to each other and caught up on old times. Here's where it gets interesting. I have had this undying love and affection and an utter need to make her happy for the past 17 years and it was, (still is), tearing me up inside. Here now is what I told her:

Hey XXXXX,

I have a few things to say to you that are weighing very heavily on my heart and has been for the past 18 years or so. First of all I ADORE you. You are my idea of the perfect woman. Beautiful, sexy, and any other flattering adjective you could think of. I remember you and I were chatting earlier about true love and love at first sight. Well, from the first time I met you all those years ago, I was immediately in love with you. I thought you were beautiful, funny, and extremely attractive. I thought to myself I could see being with her. We hung out at work and did lots of things outside of work together. Anytime I was around you my obsession and admiration and love for you would grow each time. I recall asking you out on an actual date one time but you couldn't because you were in a relationship at the time. I never pursued it further. BIG MISTAKE!!! I've regretted that decision from that day on.

I met XXXXX and was attracted to her mostly because she reminded me of you. Long hair, cute face, just over all beauty, and she liked to party. She even asked me one time when we first started dating what attracted me to her. I mentioned that I had gone out with you a few times and that she reminded me of you in many ways. We rented a house together and had to think of a password for our voicemail. The first number that popped into my head was XXXX. Why that number? It was the last 4 digits of your phone number when you lived in Martinsburg. I have used that password for different things over the past 18 years. It's just a way for me to be reminded of you. Whenever I have to use my password on anything or have to think of a password you pop into my memories.

I have been thinking of you since we last saw each other. You have been constantly in my thoughts and dreams. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about you. I wonder how you are doing, how your life is going and most importantly, if you're happy! Never in my life has one person made such an impact and impression on me. I have never been this obsessed with anyone. You have ALWAYS been in my thoughts. You never forget your first love.

With our meeting online again, which I am extremely grateful for, my obsession and complete and absolute adoration and constant love for you has only gotten stronger. I'm sorry if this is getting scary for you but I'm only speaking from my heart. I first got into this facebook thing last month at the encouraging of a former coworker. I set up my profile, found a few friends, and eventually became friends with XXXXX XXXXXX. While chatting with him he mentioned that you had asked about me. My heart was filled with...I can't explain what, but It just felt so good to know that YOU were asking about me. It brought me happiness that I haven't experienced for a long time to know that you asked about me. I sent you a message and now you're my friend! With our conversations of the past week, I gathered that you have not been happy with how things have been going in your life. It makes me so sad. Sad to the point of crying my eyes out knowing that you have not been happy and me wanting so desperately to do something about it. Men do cry!

Here's the part where my emotions are going to get the better of me. I'm want to tell you everything that I'm feeling right now. I constantly look at your pictures on your profile and just stare at them lovingly wishing I could be there with you. Wishing and hoping that someday we could be together. I want to take you away from all the things in your life that are leading to your unhappiness. I want to take care of you, be there for you when you are sick. I want to be the one who is there for you when times are tough. I want to cook for you, be there for you when you've had a bad day at work, be there for you when you need someone to talk to. I want to be your soulmate, your partner, your buddy, your friend, your lover. I just want you to experience some happiness in your life,and have a relationship that will last. I want to be totally committed to you. I want to be the person that can provide all of this and more to you. I want you! I've never really wanted children until about a month ago when I was visiting with my brother and his kid. He is so cute playing with his little friends. Just seeing how much joy he brings to my brother and his wife convinced me that I'm ready to have children. Well, that won't happen in my current situation. I want to get that job in California that I mentioned and take you with me, buy a house and start a family. I would love to marry you and have children with you. Never before have I said this or felt this way about anyone. It feels so very good telling you this right now.

Dammit! My keyboard is getting tears on it somehow.

I'm sorry I'm throwing all of this at you, but my obsession has gone on for far to long now and it's tearing me apart inside and has been for years. I to this day get so freaking pissed off at myself for not pursuing you those many years ago. That is the only regret in my life that I just can't seem to get over.

I love you! Why? There was just an emotional slap on the back of my head when we first met that told me you were the one for me. Like God came up to me, grabbed my heart out of my chest, showed it to me and said "You need to give this to her." I wanted so very much to do that.

I felt something for you years ago. I am wondering if you would be open to a re-examination of that possibility? I'm sorta tied up right now and I know that you are also, but I'll be free in a few months and I'm not trying to pin you down or anything but I wondered if this was a even possibility in your mind? Do I really want to know? Yes I do. I want to put this to rest. So I can end this nightmare of the persistent disturbing preoccupation with you.

I'm guessing that this means that we won't be meeting anytime soon now that I've thrown all of this at you. No matter how much I want it. But, I'll get over it eventually. Thanks for letting me tell you how I feel about and have felt about you for many years. I just hope this doesn't take away from our friendship.

I'm going to sit back and get stoned and listen to some sad songs and drown in my sorrow while I think about you. I'm so hesitant to hit the send button but I've got to do it.

I sincerely wish you all the best that life has to offer and can only wish I could be a part of it.

Always yours,

Brian

Well, since I wrote her that note on April 1, 2009, not an April fools joke by the way, I have seen her three times. Driving four and a half hours to see her. Each time I see her it's like falling in love with her all over again and I love it!! The last time I saw her I spent five days with her and things got a little more deep. Deep how? Sexual deep. Not actual intercourse but a lot of touching on my part. How sweet it was. Now that I'm not there with her I feel a sense of loss. Like a part of me is missing. A part that I can't live without. She knows how I feel for her but she has just broken off a four year relationship and needs some time to adjust. Time. That evil time! How long do I have to wait? Can I wait that long without going crazy? I've waited 17 years so what is another few weeks, months, years? I'm just so damned impatient right now and it's driving me crazy! I want to be with her right now! I sometimes want to just get in the car and drive up there and surprise her but don't because it may scare her away. I'm just losing my mind always thinking about her. We chat online all the time and she'll tell me that she is depressed or upset about something and I want to be there for her but can't. Am I crazy? Am I just so in love with this woman that I have lost all sense of direction? I pray to God each and every day that she will eventually feel the same way that I do. I think she does but still needs time to think things over. Soulmate: Soulmate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility.
Do I feel she is my soulmate? I have never felt so positive about anything else in my life. That's all for now. Stay tuned though!

Ok, a little more. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist for next week. I DESPERATELY need someone to talk to!!!! HELP ME! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!