Well, it's 9:53 and I'm back from my first therapist appointment. It went well. But I'm not convinced that he is who I need to be talking to. I'm going to make an appointment with another therapist tomorrow. Overall it was a good session though. He was a good listener and analyzed and gave suggestions to everything I was concerned about. Boy did I blubber and cry though. It was soooo good to let everything out. I think I cried through almost half of the session. Felt good though! What was talked about you may be wondering? First of all I talked about my failed marriage and how I was feeling about that. How it failed, why it failed. If I was feeling depressed about my marriage ending. (I'm not.) Then we went on to discuss my current relationship. That's when the tears came flowing out like so many years of wondering what could have been between XXXXX and I if I had only pursued her. Then we got on the subject of obsession. Is this an obsession? He didn't think so. People in love, such as myself, do the sort of things that I do. For example; I have pictures of her on my computer that also doubles as my screensaver. My wallpaper is a picture of her. The wallpaper on my iPhone is a picture of her. Nothing out of the ordinary for someone in love. We did discuss how soon it was for me to be wanting a new relationship but that became a non issue when I mentioned that I really hadn't felt real love in quite a few years. It was mentioned that I do need to occupy my time with activities so that she is not constantly on my mind. Which she is! That's all for tonight. Possibly. OK. A little more. I left a message for the therapist that I want. Hopefully she will call me back with an appointment time very soon! I don't mind the one that I have now but I think that a woman's opinion in this matter might be a little more objective and or subjective.
I haven't chatted with XXXXX since I've been home. I checked Yahoo and Facebook and she wasn't on either. At least I don't think she was. She could have been invisible. I'm still not sure if she is intentionally ignoring me or she is just drawing back in hopes that I won't pressure her anymore. Pressure. I have been having a tendency to tell her how I feel about her on a regular basis. She knows damn well how I feel about her. I need to stop reminding her and let her live without the pressure of my love! It's going to be hard to do but I must! XXXXX should be home by now so I'm going to put this blog to rest until I have more to tell you.
More to tell. It's now 2:14 am. Friday. i just finished chatting with XXXXX. Very good chat tonight. Slow, but fulfilling nonetheless. Fulfilling how? Conversation, being in touch, telling stories, talking about our day, just little trivial stuff. Enjoyable. Until her last comment. Here's how our chat ended:
XXXXX
Gonna go to bed
Brian Hughes
ok
i think i'll do the same
sweet dreams
i'll tty tomorrow!
XXXXX
I'll ttyt sometimt
I'll talk to you (too) later sometime? What does that mean to me? I'm not sure. Is she pulling back? She doesn't want to chat? She's only going to chat with me when she wants to? Could this be a sign? OR, like I said earlier maybe she is just distancing herself from me to take a break from any sort of relationship. After all, she did just move out of her boyfriends house. Ending a four year relationship. I'm not going to worry about this now. I need to get some sleep! Sweet dreams to me!
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